ogden_nash

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To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up.
 -- Ogden Nash
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Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore.
 -- Ogden Nash
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Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.
 -- Ogden Nash
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Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.
 -- Ogden Nash
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A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
 -- Ogden Nash
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Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
 -- Ogden Nash
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I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree.
 -- Ogden Nash
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Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long.
 -- Ogden Nash
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Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.
 -- Ogden Nash
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Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker.
 -- Ogden Nash
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Too clever is dumb.
 -- Ogden Nash
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Professional men, they have no cares; whatever happens, they get theirs.
 -- Ogden Nash
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People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.
 -- Ogden Nash
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I would live all my life in nonchalance and insouciance, Were it not for making a living, which is rather a nouciance.
 -- Ogden Nash
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No, you never get any fun out of the things you haven't done.
 -- Ogden Nash
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The trouble with a kitten is that eventually it becomes a cat.
 -- Ogden Nash
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The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late.
 -- Ogden Nash
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Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore, and that's what parents were created for.
 -- Ogden Nash
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The only people who should really sin are the people who can sin and grin.
 -- Ogden Nash
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Commitments the voters don't know about can't hurt you.
 -- Ogden Nash
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Do you think my mind is maturing late, or simply rotted early?
 -- Ogden Nash
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I claim there ain't Another Saint As great as Valentine.
 -- Ogden Nash
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There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all.
 -- Ogden Nash
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If you don't want to work you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.
 -- Ogden Nash
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I have an idea that the phrase 'weaker sex' was coined by some woman to disarm the man she was preparing to overwhelm.
 -- Ogden Nash
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Remorse is a violent dyspepsia of the mind.
 -- Ogden Nash
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Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave when they think that their children are naive.
 -- Ogden Nash
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One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
 -- Ogden Nash
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Some debts are fun when you are acquiring them, but none are fun when you set about retiring them.
 -- Ogden Nash
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There are people who are very resourceful, at being remorseful, and who apparently feel that the best way to make friends is to do something terrible and then make amends.
 -- Ogden Nash
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I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall, I'll never see a tree at all.
 -- Ogden Nash
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Women would rather be right than reasonable.
 -- Ogden Nash
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People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they really don't want it.
 -- Ogden Nash
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Life is not having been told that the man has just waxed the floor.
 -- Ogden Nash
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I think remorse ought to stop biting the consciences that feed it.
 -- Ogden Nash
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A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.
 -- Ogden Nash
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Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny - Did you ever try buying them without money?
 -- Ogden Nash
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I do not like to get the news, because there has never been an era when so many things were going so right for so many of the wrong persons.
 -- Ogden Nash
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The most exciting happiness is the happiness generated by forces beyond your control.
 -- Ogden Nash
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Every Englishman is convinced of one thing, viz.: That to be an Englishman is to belong to the most exclusive club there is.
 -- Ogden Nash
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I hope my tongue in prune juice smothers, If I belittle dogs and mothers.
 -- Ogden Nash
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Every New Year is the direct descendant, isn't it, of a long line of proven criminals?
 -- Ogden Nash
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'Reflection on Ingenuity'

Here's a good rule of thumb:
Too clever is dumb.

 -- Ogden Nash
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'The Cow'

The cow is of the bovine ilk;
One end is moo, the other, milk

 -- Ogden Nash
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'The Germ'

A mighty creature is the germ,
Though smaller than the pachyderm.
His customary dwelling place
Is deep within the human race.
His childish pride he often pleases
By giving people strange diseases.
Do you, my popet, feel infirm?
You probably contain a germ.

 -- Ogden Nash
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'The Octopus'

Tell me, O Octopus, I begs,
Is those things arms, or is they legs?
I marvel at thee, Octopus
If I were thou, I'd call me Us.

 -- Ogden Nash
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'The Pig'

The pig, if I am not mistaken,
Supplies us sausage, ham and bacon,
Let others say his heart is big--
I call it stupid of the pig.

 -- Ogden Nash
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'The Eel'

I don't mind eels
Except as meals
And the way they feels.

 -- Ogden Nash
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'The Guppy'

Whales have calves,
Cats have kittens,
Bears have cubs,
Bats have bittens,
Swans have cygnets,
Seals have puppies,
But guppies just have little guppies.

 -- Ogden Nash
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'The Ostrich'

The ostrich roams the great Sahara.
Its mouth is wide, its neck is narra.
It has such long and lofty legs,
I'm glad it sits to lay its eggs.

 -- Ogden Nash
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